


Raising the Bar

by Electra_XT



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Body Worship, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-01-14
Packaged: 2021-02-25 03:46:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22249543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Electra_XT/pseuds/Electra_XT
Summary: Five looked ten years older. He was still youthful, early twenties, but he had suddenly and visibly become an adult. Diego had braced himself for… something, but not this. He was dressed heartbreakingly preppy— neatly tailored slacks, a shirt that fit him like it was made for him, and a casual blazer. Diego hadn’t known a blazer could be casual before, but the way Five wore the linen jacket made it seem genuinely effortless.Of all the ways this new body thing could have gone, Diego didn’t expect him to behot.
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy/Diego Hargreeves
Comments: 27
Kudos: 412





	Raising the Bar

“Son of a motherfucking bitch,” Five said.

“And a good morning to you too,” Diego said, looking up from his finished plate. He didn’t usually hang around at the Academy for breakfast, but it was a Sunday, and Eudora had invited him to brunch and then cancelled on him, and, well, there were some mornings where he woke up and felt like looking for trouble.

Five was looking up at the tin of coffee that sat on the highest shelf with an expression of utmost loathing. He huffed a sigh, and then he dragged a stool to the counter and knelt on it. 

It was interesting, Diego reflected, that the coffee was stored up there, because Five was the only one who reliably drank it and he was barely over five feet tall. It had to have been inconvenient. The stool wobbled under Five, and Diego thought about saying something, but Five could probably teleport away in time if he fell.

The cognitive dissonance of Five’s body never really got easier to accept. The more information Diego got, the more confused he became: Five was born on the same day as all of them, but he was actually nearly sixty, but he looked like he was thirteen; he had lived as the last man on Earth for forty years, but he had traveled the entire world and had met all sorts of people working for the Commission; he drank his coffee bitter and black, but he ate peanut butter and marshmallow sandwiches. Diego wasn’t made for this many contradictions. He couldn’t quite look at him straight on.

There was a loud clang as the metal container of coffee hit the ground.

“You need help with that?” Diego said, watching as Five scrambled to pick it up.

“Think very carefully before you condescend to me,” Five said.

“The hell?” Diego said. “I was just offering.”

Five shot him a baleful look. “I don’t need your help.”

“You sure?”

Five hissed.

“What’s got you so grumpy?” Diego said, leaning back in his chair and folding his arms behind his head. There was something about Five’s wet-cat agitation that made him feel infinitely calm.

“I have plans for the day,” Five said, pushing up the sleeves of his oversized dress shirt. A fancy watch dangled off his skinny wrist. “I need to be in peak condition.”

“Look at you,” Diego said. “Plans outside the house?”

“That’s usually what people mean when they say plans, Diego.”

“Well,” Diego said. “Most of the time when you’re around here you spend all day holed up in your room and curse out anyone who comes in to ask you a question.”

“Yes,” Five said, rolling his eyes, “I suppose so. You’re still an imbecile, though.” He turned to busy himself with the coffee.

“You could stand to be a little more polite,” Diego said.

“If only I cared,” Five said, back to Diego.

“What’s with you today?” Diego said, watching him put up the coffee. “For real. Is there something up?”

“I am going on an errand,” Five said crisply. “And after I complete my errand, I will no longer be _grumpy_.”

“Klaus finally going to sell you some weed?” Diego said, propping his feet up on the table.

Five made a face. “I wouldn’t buy weed from Klaus.”

“That’s fair,” Diego said.

Five looked away.

“Oh, you really want me to ask you what your errand is,” Diego said, grinning.

“I figured your incurable curiosity would make the question inevitable,” Five said.

Diego shook his head. “You think I’m that easy?”

“You are that easy,” Five said.

“Think again,” Diego said. He so badly wanted to know what Five was up to, but it wasn’t worth it if Five thought he was desperate. He stood up. “I’m heading out, actually.”

“I’m confident you couldn’t guess it on your own,” Five said.

“Good to know,” Diego said.

Five rolled his eyes.

Diego smiled, pulling on his denim jacket. “You’re not gonna get me,” he said, and he ruffled his hand in Five’s hair. “Enjoy your coffee, little man.”

“I will cut you with your own knife and you will bleed,” Five said.

Diego had a habit of shooting himself in the foot.

That damn errand. The minute he’d left the Academy, he’d started to wonder. With anyone but Five, he’d have swallowed his pride and asked, but Five always managed to get under his skin. Diego could not in good conscience back down from an argument with Five— even if it wasn’t even an argument.

Hence, leaving without asking precisely because he really wanted to know. Hence, wandering back around to the Academy to see if the topic would come back organically in conversation if he delayed enough with small talk. He slipped inside the mansion, preferring to hop through the old broken window rather than step through the grandiose, deadened atrium, and he walked through the back hallways, quiet as a cat.

“Did you go back and see her?” came Luther’s voice from the kitchen.

Diego stilled.

There was a silence. Five seemed to be taking his time answering, and Diego held his breath.

“Five,” Luther said.

“You shouldn’t ask questions you aren’t prepared to hear the answers to,” Five said.

His voice sounded different. Diego frowned, moving forward ever-so-carefully.

“And you went back into the Handler’s trap why?” Luther said.

The Handler. Diego rifled through his memories. Five’s boss, he remembered. Creepy, hot, hell-bent on causing he apocalypse.

“Are you seriously asking that?” Five said.

“I mean, the obvious,” Luther said. “But I don’t think that’s worth the danger.”

“It’s my body,” Five said. “I think I can decide if it’s _worth it_ , Luther.”

“Yes,” Luther said, “but—”

“If you could get your old body back by talking to Reginald one more time, would you?” Five said.

Silence.

“It’s not the same,” Luther said.

“That’s true,” Five said. “I assume being trapped as a thirteen-year-old and undergoing a gruesome para-mortal transplant—”

“Stop.”

“— possess their own unique challenges,” Five finished smoothly. “But I assumed that you, of all people, would understand the need for this.”

“I understand,” Luther said. “But you can’t keep leading yourself into dangerous situations solely for the benefit of yourself, Five, that’s… irresponsible.”

“Grow up,” Five said. “I’m not a Good Samaritan.”

Diego grinned, stepping forward to hear better, and then the floorboard creaked.

“What was that?” Luther said warily.

“It seems we’ve gained an audience,” Five said. He raised his voice. “You can just come in, Diego.”

Diego rolled his eyes. He walked into the kitchen, holding his hands up in surrender. “You know it didn’t have to be me, right? Could have been Klaus, Allison, Vanya—”

“No one else would have tried to be sneaky about it,” Five said, turning to him.

Diego stopped dead.

Five looked ten years older. He was still youthful, early twenties, but he had suddenly and visibly become an adult. Diego had braced himself for… something, but not this. He was dressed heartbreakingly preppy— neatly tailored slacks, a shirt that fit him like it was made for him, and a casual blazer. Diego hadn’t known a blazer could be casual before, but the way Five wore the linen jacket made it seem genuinely effortless.

Of all the ways this new body thing could have gone, Diego didn’t expect him to be _hot_.

“Take your time,” Five said. His lips quirked. “Luther stood there for a full sixty seconds.”

“I did not,” Luther said.

Diego swallowed. Five’s voice was almost the same. It was a little deeper, fuller, but the familiar drawl and bite still landed.

“You did,” Five said. He stretched. “I’m not inclined to judge, though. Is your silence in awe or disgust, Diego?”

“You can reach the coffee now,” Diego said.

Five raised a perfect eyebrow. “That’s what you notice?”

“Mostly when I look at you I notice you’re a conceited little prick, but that’s not new,” Diego said.

“How touching,” Five said, and he reached up and picked the coffee up off the shelf with no problem. His suit jacket moved with his body, and Diego realized with a rush that he was probably lean and fit under it, his pale torso lithe and elegant, his legs long. He cleared his throat.

“Diego, are you all right?” Five said. His smugness seemed to be wearing thin.

“You think I’m hung up on you?” Diego said, voice a little louder than he’d intended. “Yeah, big deal, you went through puberty. So did we.”

“It’s not that we’re not happy for you, Five,” Luther said.

“Oh, don’t pretend,” Five said, turning to Luther. “If every contribution you’ll make to this conversation is thinly veiled mourning for the fact that I used to look young and seem docile, get fucked.”

“Wow,” Diego said, leaning against the wall and folding his arms. “How old are you now? Twenty?”

Five arched an unimpressed eyebrow.

“Twenty-one?” Diego said.

“She wanted to make me sixty, but I negotiated for twenty-three,” Five said.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Diego said. He glanced at Luther. “By _she_ are we talking about—”

Five teleported to him in an instant, grabbing Diego by the collar. He was tall enough to effectively do that now. “If you say a word chastising me for putting myself in danger,” he said, a manic glint in his eyes, “I will warp you into the middle of nowhere and warp back and leave you stranded to think about what you said.”

Diego staggered back. He’d gotten used to Five’s act when he was still thirteen, but it overwhelmed him now that Five was a foot taller and a decade older and— was he wearing cologne?

“Well?” Five said. His hands were still tight on Diego’s collar.

“Slow down,” Diego said.

Five’s hands faltered for a moment, and Diego pried him off. “Relax,” he said. “I’m not going to fly off the handle.”

Five looked between him and Luther, guarded. “I’m not interested in arguing.”

“Yeah, me neither,” Diego said. He surveyed Five again. _Christ_. “If it were me, I’d have gone to her too.”

“Obviously,” Five said. His voice was unsure, though.

“Being stuck as a…” Diego’s voice trailed off.

Five’s watch fit his wrist now. All the pieces of him that had seemed laughably disparate had come together into disarming focus. Diego looked at Luther, trying to exchange an incredulous glance, but Luther’s brow was furrowed. Diego raised his eyebrows at him.

“Diego,” Five said, and he didn’t sound amused anymore.

“Yeah?” Diego said.

“Just tell me if it’s terrible,” Five said. “Really.”

Diego looked at him. He could not in good conscience bring himself to lie to Five, but he couldn’t betray how much the new body got to him, either.

“Your preppy ass can legally drink now, congratulations,” he said. “And wear a suit without looking like you’re playing dress-up.”

Five smirked, visibly relieved. “So I take it I shouldn’t go back to her for a readjustment?”

Diego walked out the door without saying a word.

“So I came this close to Rumoring my crazy director, made a deal with my co-star, ignored all my agent’s messages, and caught a flight back to the city just in time to see all of you,” Allison said, settling back and picking up her matcha latte. She waved a hand. “But that’s just me. What have you been up to?”

Diego bit his lip. Nothing of consequence really happened to him since they’d ended the apocalypse for real. He’d been trying to wind down his crime-fighting addiction, maybe get a little more comfortable with his life, and he’d become a lot more domestic than he cared to admit. Awkward catch-up coffee with Allison wasn’t the time to express that he’d found a good compact radio for the boiler room so he could listen to classic rock while he cooked himself dinner on his hot plate, or that he’d bought a little jade plant for next to his bed, or that he was considering taking up tai chi.

Allison was still looking at him expectantly.

“Five’s hot now,” Diego blurted out.

“ _Diego_ ,” Allison said. “Jesus, he’s thirteen.”

“He’s not,” Diego said quickly.

“Still,” Allison said. She crossed her arms over her chest. “His body’s… that’s really, really fucked up, Diego. If you’re an adult who’s thinking sexually about even a hypothetical thirteen-year-old in any way— that’s the body of a _child_ —”

“He got a new body,” Diego said, cutting her off.

Allison stared.

Diego shook his head. “You know I’m not a creep. He made a deal with the Handler, he got… upgraded.”

“Oh,” Allison said.

“I swear,” Diego said. “He came back to talk to Luther and I was like—” He mimed his mind being blown. 

“Wow,” Allison said. “Wow.”

“You don’t believe me?” Diego said.

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” Allison said. “I still can’t picture anybody being attracted to that little prick.”

“Oh my God,” Allison said, the next day.

“I know,” Diego said.

“Oh my _God_ , Diego.”

“I _know_.”

“He looks like a model,” Allison said.

“I told you!” Diego said.

“He looks like a young Jake Gyllenhaal,” Allison said.

“Who?” Diego said.

“I’m done,” Allison said. She unfolded her sunglasses and set them on the table. “I give up. I don’t know how to move forward from this. I spent so much time getting used to him being thirteen—”

“ _I know_ ,” Diego said.

“And now he’s what, twenty-five?” Allison said.

“Twenty-three,” Diego said.

“Does Five know he’s hot?” Allison said.

“What?” Diego said. 

“Sometimes hot people know they’re hot and sometimes they don’t,” Allison said. “I mean, I’m hot and I know it.” She indicated him. “And you know you’re hot, right?”

“You think I’m hot?” Diego said, starting to grin.

“But do you?” Allison said.

“Do _you_?” Diego said, leaning in over the table.

“You’re an attractive guy,” Allison said. She waved a hand. “But my point is that I bet you know that.”

“Yeah, I do,” Diego said. He’d seen the way people at the gym looked at him. He turned his head, touching the thick scar on his temple. “Chicks dig the rugged look.”

Allison shook her head. “That’s my point.”

“They’re also pretty into the muscles,” Diego said. “And the nipple ring.”

“Okay, Diego,” Allison said. “That’s enough.”

“And I’m good with my mouth,” Diego said.

“ _Okay_ ,” Allison said, laughing. “So as I said, some hot people know they’re hot, but others…” She shifted in her chair.

Diego squinted at her. “Who are you thinking of right now?”

Allison looked down at the table. “Luther.”

“Luther’s not—” Diego opened his mouth, then closed it. The gorilla body was a deal breaker for him, but before that, he’d been handsome. And even now, his face… was pretty nice, actually. There was a certain openness about him, a traditional gentlemanly demeanor, and Diego would be lying if he said he didn’t see the appeal.

Allison smiled a little. “Yeah.”

“Yeah,” Diego echoed. He cleared his throat. “So what was your point about again?”

“I’m saying if he’s never been hot before, does he actually know he’s hot now?” Allison said. “He spent so much time being thirteen. He’s probably not used to being actually attractive.”

“He knows he’s hot,” Diego said. “But in a weird way. He’s showing off his new body like it’s a… new car, or something.”

“Huh,” Allison said. “I always thought he was kind of sexless.”

“He was thirteen,” Diego said. “Could you blame him?”

“Fair,” Allison said. “But… wow, yeah. This is a lot.”

“Maybe he was hot when he was actually twenty-five,” Diego said.

“Yes,” Allison said, “but he was alone in the apocalypse when he was actually twenty-five.”

“He could have jerked off to his reflection in some warped half-burned mirror,” Diego said.

Allison made a face.

“By the way, you think he and the Handler ever…?” Diego made a finger-in-hole gesture with his hands.

“What?” Allison said.

“She found him when he was at least forty,” Diego said. “And from the way he talks about her, I bet they had a thing.”

“How often exactly do you think about Five’s sex life?” Allison said.

“Never,” Diego said.

“Except when you’re thinking about how hot he is or whether he fucked his boss or jerked off in an apocalyptic wasteland.”

“You _know_ he jerked off,” Diego said. “Man, when I was a teenager I was all about that shit. And if I never had anyone to walk in on me—”

Allison groaned.

“Christ, are you really gonna be a prude about this?” Diego said. “Have you been spending enough time around Luther that it’s rubbed off on you? Because you were just as fucking horny as the rest of us, I heard you going at it with your vibrator through the bedroom wall.”

“And I bet you loved hearing that back then,” Allison said, smirking.

Diego coughed. “What were we talking about again?”

“Five,” Allison said.

“Right,” Diego said. All roads seemed to lead to Five these days. Too many conversations about him, too many idle trains of thought in the shower that ended up with him. Ever since that goddamn errand, Five had hung around the common spaces in the Academy way more than he ever had before. 

And apparently, he was taking up that space in Diego’s mind, too.

Diego ran into Vanya leaving the Academy right as he was arriving.

Vanya stopped in the doorway. “Hey, Diego,” she said.

Diego nodded at her. “What’s up?”

“Really nothing,” Vanya said. Her eyes darted to him, almost guilty. “I just had coffee with Five.”

“Oh,” Diego said. He had been about to sidle in himself for coffee with Five, and he supposed he couldn’t resent her for swooping in before him, but now he had to come up with a reason to be here. “Is he busy?”

“He’s been sitting in the kitchen for three hours in a cocoon of papers, but I think if no one interrupts him he’ll go insane,” Vanya said. She shrugged. “I might have made a dent, but you should go in anyway. But— have you seen him since…?”

“Since the new body?” Diego said. “Pretty sure everyone has.”

“Yeah,” Vanya said. “Even Allison. She was staying with me when she visited, she couldn’t stop talking about it.”

Diego looked at her closely. Her face was pink, and her tone was a little more shy, and Diego was hit by a sudden tingling feeling that he wasn’t the only one who was gravitating to the Academy a lot more lately.

“I’ve never fallen for your lurking-in-the-doorway act,” Five said, not looking up from his papers. “If you think you can stand there and watch without me noticing, you’re wrong.”

“You’re no fun,” Diego said, walking into the kitchen.

Five had indeed encased himself in an explosion of papers. The equations he was writing slanted across the pages in slicks of digits and letters from at least three different alphabets. Diego saw a diagram of something with enough dimensions that it made his head hurt, and six empty mugs sat arranged in a hexagon at the center of the table like a shrine.

“It’s rude to stare,” Five said, turning a page.

“Vanya was right,” Diego said. “You do need to be snapped out of it.”

“Vanya said what?” Five said, turning to look at him.

Diego inhaled. At this point, he should have been bracing himself to be thrown every time he looked at Five, but he hadn’t been prepared at all for the sight of the reading glasses perched on Five’s face. He looked scholarly and absorbed, and Diego’s heart skipped a beat.

Five frowned. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Diego said. “Vanya said you were going insane if you sat here for too long.”

“Oh,” Five said. “Well, I’ve already gone insane before.”

“There is no way I can adequately unpack that statement,” Diego said.

“Don’t try,” Five said. He leaned back, grinding the heels of his hands into his eyes. “Did Vanya say anything else?”

“Not particularly,” Diego said. He hesitated. “She seemed pretty taken with your new look.”

Five paused. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Diego said. “She was blushing and everything.”

“Hm,” Five said.

“Are you really surprised?” Diego said. “I thought you’d be used to everyone falling over themselves for…” He waved a hand.

“For this?” Five said, pointing to himself.

“Sure,” Diego said. “Everyone’s into it.”

“Not everyone,” Five said matter-of-factly. “Klaus told me I had the stressed energy of an intern at a Republican senator’s office who’s slipped out to take a quick working lunch at Pret-A-Manger.”

“Pardon?” Diego said.

“He then lunged at me and tried to assault me with an eyeliner pencil,” Five said.

Diego snorted. As if Five’s comically alluring doe eyes needed any more emphasis. “He really thought he could catch you?”

“Apparently,” Five said. He shrugged. “He seemed disappointed, but he’ll have to deal. I’m not the eyeliner type.”

“Klaus thinks everyone’s the eyeliner type,” Diego said. He pulled out a chair and sat down at the table, shifting Five’s papers to make room to prop his feet up. Five made a noise of protest that Diego genially ignored. “So how’s the new body treating you?”

“Christ, would it kill you to ask a more specific question?” Five said. “Everyone keeps asking that, and then I just say it’s treating me quite well, and then they act like I’m withholding from them.”

“And here I was thinking that being an adult would remove the stick from your ass,” Diego said. “Fine. What can you do with this body that you couldn’t with the old one?”

Five cocked his head, thinking. “I can drink,” he said. “I went to a restaurant with Vanya and ordered wine.”

“Good for you,” Diego said. “Very impressive.”

“I don’t think I’d do it again, though,” Five said idly, looking into his mug.

“What?” Diego said. “Thought you were the big drinker.”

“Not with Vanya,” Five said. “She’s back on the medication, and it interferes badly with alcohol.” He shrugged. “I won’t abstain for my sake, but she looks a little wistful when I imbibe.”

Diego grinned. “You could always collapse on the library floor with a bottle of tequila and a—”

“Shut up,” Five said. Then he brightened. “I can drive a car.”

“Couldn’t you just teleport?” Diego said.

“Not for long distances,” Five said. “Besides, I enjoy driving.”

“Fair,” Diego said. He’d always liked owning a car; the sense of self-sufficiency was unbeatable. “You can vote.”

“That’s very boring,” Five said.

“Buy cigarettes?” Diego said.

“I quit in ’67,” Five said.

Diego squinted. “How many years ago was that for you?”

Five shrugged. “I’m not entirely sure. All I remember was that it was 1967 and I decided the smell of tobacco nauseated me.”

“You look young enough that you could go to college,” Diego said.

Five gave him a disgusted look. “I don’t need to be _taught_ anything. Besides, if I had to spend time with vapid students, I think I might drive myself into the river. Or teleport straight into the river with weights around my ankles.” He took a sip of his coffee. “Suicide would be a waste of a Rolls-Royce.”

“You are messed-up,” Diego said. “On a deep level.”

“I’ve been told,” Five said. He stepped away from the counter. “I’m headed upstairs soon. But if you have any other bright ideas of liberties to take advantage of, I’m all ears.”

“You can have sex now,” Diego said.

He _really_ had a habit of shooting himself in the foot.

Five looked truly interested for the first time in the whole conversation. He leaned forward a little, looking at Diego. “Yes?”

Diego coughed. “It’s not that complicated, man. Find a girl, get laid, have a good time.”

“Oh,” Five said. He moved back a little. “That’s what you think I should do?”

“It’s really never occurred to you to go get some?” Diego said.

“I’ve never…” Five trailed off.

“Wait, wait,” Diego said. He held up his hands in a T. “Time out. Are you a virgin?”

Five flushed.

“Damn,” Diego said. “Even in your time-travel adventures? No fifties girls in crazy lingerie?”

“I’m not the casual sex type,” Five snapped. He looked Diego up and down, lip curling. “Just because you count your worth by how many men and women you seduce doesn’t mean we all do.”

“Slow down,” Diego said. “I’m only asking. It’s not an attack.”

Five ran a hand through his gorgeous hair. “I’ve considered it. People used to come onto me, in my first adulthood. But I never said yes. No one seemed right.”

“Really,” Diego said. He mentally erased his image of Five and the Handler fucking over a desk. “Do you not have any sex drive or something? Don’t tell me you’ve never jerked off.” His image of Five experimenting with himself in an apocalyptic landscape was becoming critically endangered.

“Of course I’ve jerked off,” Five bit out. “It’s not that I don’t have a sex drive, it’s just that no one’s—” He cut himself off. “I don’t want to discuss it.”

“You know I’m not judging you, right?” Diego said.

“No,” Five said frankly. “I don’t. You’re being ambiguous. If you think it’s— novel, or juvenile, then I’d rather you just say it.”

“I don’t think it’s either of those things,” Diego said, crossing his arms over his chest.

“So enlighten me,” Five said. “Tell me what you think of my _virginity._ ”

“It’s not as weird as you think it is,” Diego said.

“It’s more than a little weird,” Five said.

“Yeah, everything in our family’s weird,” Diego said. “We have numbers for names. Our mom’s a robot. We take incest as a given.”

“This isn’t about our family,” Five said. “I haven’t felt like part of the family in years.”

Diego felt a twinge at that, but he pushed it away. “Don’t beat yourself up about never having sex. Some people just aren’t into that. It’s fine.”

“I’ll take your earnest words to heart,” Five said acidly. “Christ, Diego, you don’t need to make me feel better about being— about abstaining.”

“You always think I’m judging you,” Diego said.

“Because you’re usually an asshole,” Five said.

“I’m not an asshole about things that matter,” Diego said.

Five raised an eyebrow. “Allison’s marriage?”

Fair. “She told you that?”

“‘When you watch nature shows,’” Five said, holding up finger quotes—

“How do you know all this shit?” Diego said.

“I hear everything.”

“All those years at the Commission really made you think you deserve to be in everyone’s business,” Diego said, shaking his head.

“And all those years of promiscuity made you think it’s no problem to talk down to me about my _experience_ ,” Five said evenly. “Or lack thereof.”

Diego looked at him. When Five set his mind to it, he could put on a formidably unreadable face, motionless and serene— but Diego could always tell when he set his mind to it.

“If it bothers you that much,” Diego said carefully, “I’m sure you can find someone somewhere who’ll meet your high standards.”

Five eyed him.

“Go to a bar,” Diego said. “A nice place, without Vanya. Play up your look, flirt with people. Relax. Don’t listen to any advice Klaus has ever given you.”

“Klaus tells me to relax,” Five said.

“Yeah, but don’t relax Klaus-style,” Diego said.

“Relax Diego-style?” Five said. “A drink, a dance, a stranger in my bed?”

Diego half-smiled. The thought of it sent a spike of irritation through him, but Five wasn’t the only one with a poker face. “Let loose,” he said. “Take that brand-new body for a test drive.”

Diego had a simple and effective solution for an excess of arousal: hold a plank until he collapsed.

It was also his solution for anxiety, for depression, for anger, and for boredom. If people ever asked him how he got his muscles, he’d reply that it was a matter of dedication. When he arrived in the boiler room, he shut the door behind him with too much force, unclipped his knife harness, slung it over the chair in the kitchen area, and then got down on the floor.

 _Take that body for a test drive—_ the hell had he even been trying to say with that? 

He needed to close his mouth around Five. Permanently. Because Five was smart, and he’d take Diego’s advice. He’d decide on a place, take his time getting dressed, and then look at himself in the mirror before heading out and run a hand through his hair; check his watch. Five might have been a virgin, but he knew how to work his image. He’d walk into the bar, heads would turn, and every girl in the place would set their sights on getting him in her bed. Five would sweep his gaze over all of them, appraising—

And maybe he’d meet a guy.

Diego breathed in, slow and controlled, and then he breathed out, eyes fixed on the concrete.

Five had never said that he only preferred women. And if he dressed up the way he always did, he’d attract everyone’s attention. Maybe a stranger would catch Five by the arm. Maybe Five would turn to face him instinctively like a sunflower. In a crowded bar, they’d be magnetized to each other, and Diego pictured Five putting a martini glass down on a counter, turning and giving the man one hundred percent of his attention. 

It was almost terrifying to see Five focused so completely on something— because it happened so rarely, because Five didn’t bother with anything that didn’t demand him.

Diego’s arms were shaking. His whole body burned, and he moved down to his forearms, sinking closer to the floor. Would Five go home with the man? Would he have to stop himself from teleporting— would he have to hide himself, even as he tumbled into the man’s bed, exposing himself further than he ever had before? Five would take off his jacket, start unbuttoning his shirt, then hesitate and unclip his fancy watch— that he wore to cover up the umbrella tattoo, Diego realized. Five was always one step ahead of him.

Maybe Five would be methodical about sex; maybe he wouldn’t. His depths ran too inscrutable for Diego to parse, even after decades of being his brother. The image branched out into a million variations, swarming around Diego, blocking his breathing. Five naked and getting pounded into the mattress. Face down. Or hands and knees. Or missionary, that eye contact, that fucking intimacy. Diego saw in his mind’s eye Five’s long, pale limbs wrapped around a strange man, and without context, the image seemed otherworldly. Fuck this. Diego’s entire body ached, clearly at the end of its rope.

Diego sank fully to the floor. He lay on the concrete for a moment, then rolled over. When it came to endurance, his body couldn’t beat his brain. He stared up at the ceiling, trying to recall anything he’d ever learned about meditation, but the images trickled back into his mind like the sweat down his temple.

Five’s new smile, dimple intact. The shadow of stubble on his face. His lean chest, his arms, the way he stood when he was clearly unimpressed.

Diego let out a groan. At least he wasn’t hard, but he ached like a bitch.

The rain had plastered Diego’s hair to his head, and the whole foyer of the boxing gym smelled like wet rain gear by the time Diego got inside. He exchanged a cursory nod with Al at the front desk, ducking expertly out of conversation range as he could feel water saturating the collar of his turtleneck, and he hastened down the stairs. He opened the door, more than ready to fling himself into his boiler room and never talk to another living soul until he’d gotten at least eight hours of sleep and a decent meal in him.

“Finally,” Five said, lying on Diego’s bed.

Diego startled, hand immediately flying to his knife before he realized who it was. “ _Jesus_. You never got taught manners in the apocalypse, did you?”

“Don’t waste time being surprised,” Five said. He stretched like a cat, sitting up. “I’ve been thinking about what you said to me.”

Diego’s blood ran cold.

Of course. The date. It had been a couple days since their last conversation, and Diego had been valiantly trying to purge the idea from his mind. It made him jumpy. And he’d almost succeeded, managing to run his errands and stop by Eudora’s and pound out a set on the punching bag without thinking of it, but then Five just had to show up in his room to debrief.

“How’d it go?” Diego said, unclipping his knife harness and slinging it over a hook on the wall. “Told you you could get laid.”

“You did say that, didn’t you?” Five said.

“Where’d you go?” Diego said. The boiler room, in contrast to the weather outside, was way too hot. He pulled off his sweater, throwing it effortlessly onto the back of a chair, and tugged down his undershirt. Five’s eyes tracked his motions. Diego smiled to himself a little. He wasn’t an idiot, he knew how he looked in a tight shirt with his arms exposed, but if Five was having all this fantastic sex, then he could deal.

The fabric was worn thin enough to expose the outline of his nipple ring through the fabric, but that would be Five’s problem once Diego turned around.

“Where do you think I went?” Five said.

“One of the nice bars,” Diego said. “The kind of place that gives me hives.”

“Really?” Five said. “You don’t think I’m the type to go shoot pool at a place where shady shit goes down and everyone looks the other way?”

“Are you?” Diego said, turning around.

Five’s eyes immediately tracked to Diego’s nipple. Priceless. “I’ve been around, you know. Just because I’m— doesn’t mean I’m a dainty prude.”

“So how was she?” Diego said.

“Pardon?” Five said, looking back up at his face.

Diego gestured. “The girl.”

“I’m sorry?” Five said, smirking.

“Cut the shit,” Diego said. “How was the girl you fucked?”

“It sounds so crude when you put it that way,” Five remarked. “Also, there wasn’t any girl.”

“The guy, then,” Diego said. He picked at his thumbnail. He needed this to be over.

“Which guy?” Five said, eyes widening in innocence.

“ _Five_ ,” Diego said. “Just do what you came to do already. Tell me about the guy you popped your cherry with, I’ll congratulate you, and then you’ll leave.”

There was a beat.

“I can’t do that,” Five said.

Diego folded his arms over his chest. “Why not?”

“Because,” Five said, looking up at him with a sharp smile, “I haven’t slept with him yet.”

For a moment, Diego couldn’t think.

Five’s expression was expectant, challenging. Diego hit once again by the never-ending awe at his new body: maybe he would have been inured to him if he’d had twenty years to get used to that gorgeous form, that self-confident posture, but as it was, he couldn’t glance at Five without staring. Maybe Diego was a sucker for him, or maybe Five really was that magnetically attractive— and then Five's words registered, hitting him like a train.

“Or perhaps I never will,” Five said. “If he’s too much of an idiot to recognize an offer when it literally shows up in his bed, he might not deserve me.”

Diego’s heart was pounding. “You really want this?” He gestured at himself, and then at the boiler room. “Out of all people you could—”

“Diego,” Five said, “there wasn’t anybody else.”

“So you—” Diego swallowed. His throat was dry. “Oh, fuck you, you’ve been playing me this whole time.”

“You’ve been playing yourself,” Five said. “I wasn’t the one who brought up the idea of me sleeping around.”

“Yeah, but you’re the one who got _hot_ ,” Diego said. “Fuck, Five, you’re a walking tease now that you look like this.”

“So do something about it,” Five said, standing up. He was nearly as tall as Diego, which was thrilling. “You think I haven’t noticed the way you stare at me? I _have_ , and—” He made a choked noise. “Diego, I want it. Don’t fucking hold back anymore.”

“I won’t,” Diego promised. He drew closer, heart-stoppingly close. Five looked up at him, eyes huge, and Diego could feel the tension rising like water until he couldn’t breathe. He reached out his hand and touched Five’s cheek, and then he grabbed him, pulling him in and kissing him hard.

Five was treating Diego to a truly delightful striptease, and Diego was about to go to heaven.

“I seriously can’t believe you weren’t out fucking anything that moves,” Diego said, leaning back on his elbows. as he watched Five nimbly unbutton his shirt.

“I have high standards,” Five said. “You can count yourself lucky you meet them.”

“Yeah, but if I were you, I’d be over the fucking moon about the new body,” Diego said.

“Oh, I am,” Five said. He smirked. “I might not have been out and about with other people, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been following your advice and taking my body for a _test drive._ ”

“Sometimes I think you really do exist just to tease me,” Diego said. His cock twitched in his pants.

“I’ve been touching myself,” Five said conversationally. He made a face. “I didn’t want to do it when I looked thirteen, it felt wrong because of how old I felt on the inside. I didn’t feel like my body belonged to me. But now?” He ran his palm down his chest, looking down.

“How often?” Diego said, eyes fixed on the pale expanse of skin peeking out from the lapels of Five’s shirt.

“Whenever I feel like it,” Five said. He smiled. “At least once a day.”

Diego swallowed. “You’re a cocky piece of shit,” he said, but his voice was rough.

“Mm,” Five said, letting his shirt fall off him entirely. “But you like that, don’t you?”

His chest was slim and lean, elegant and capable. Diego wanted to suck marks all over it. He watched, riveted, as Five undid his slacks and his underwear and stepped out of them neatly, leaving himself completely exposed.

“That’s much better,” Five said. He came forward and Diego tipped his head up for a kiss, but Five sank to his knees, moving in between Diego’s legs.

“You are unreal,” Diego told him.

A small smile flashed across Five’s face, quickly replaced by his trademark smirk. “I know.”

Diego slipped his hand down, cupping Five’s cheek and tilting his head up. “You hear me?”

“Yes,” Five said, looking up at him. His fingers unzipped Diego’s pants without looking. “You’ve made it clear—”

“You are _unreal_ ,” Diego said. “Not just your body. Your mind, your smile, the way you wear your damn reading glasses, pretty babe— you don’t know the half of it.”

Five bit his lip, deeply vulnerable, and then he turned his face and kissed Diego’s inner thigh. “You’ve been watching me,” he murmured. 

“Every damn day since you got the new body,” Diego said.

“And when you watch me,” Five said, pulling Diego’s pants and underwear all the way off, “what do you want?”

“Pretty sure you know,” Diego said.

“You have to tell me,” Five said. He spread Diego’s bare inner thighs with his hands. “Ask for what you want, Diego.”

Diego groaned. “Feels like you’ve been edging me all week,” he said. “You better— I know you want me, you were saving yourself for me, you better let me fuck you.”

“Mm,” Five said. He tweaked the nipple ring, and Diego gasped. “That doesn’t sound like asking.”

“Please?” Diego said.

“Please what?” Five said.

“Please let me fuck you?” Diego said.

“There we go,” Five said. “If you’d begged a little better, I might have offered the opportunity to watch me open myself up on my fingers for you.”

“Christ,” Diego said. He swallowed, gathering his pride. “Five, would you— can I _please_ watch you finger yourself open?”

“Good boy,” Five said, and he reached for the bottle of lube on Diego’s bedside table.

By the time Five was three fingers deep in himself, Diego had dragged him up onto the bed and pinned him down, distracting him with hungry kisses along his neck and shamelessly feeling up his perfect thighs and lean torso. Five was shaking, and Diego sucked kisses down his jaw, ravenous. “You ready?” he murmured.

“You’re like— a child,” Five said, voice strained. “Asking ‘are we there yet’ on the road trip—”

“Are we there yet?” Diego said, grinning. He nosed at Five. “Wanna be inside you, wanna feel you all tight around me, please?”

“I like hearing you beg,” Five said. He mustered a smirk, even though Diego knew damn well he had his fingers brushing his prostate. Pretty impressive commitment to the charade. “I want more of it.”

“Dickhead,” Diego said. “I already told you that I want to be inside you. I want to fuck you, is that what you wanna hear? Should I tell you how I want to— hold you down, thrust into you, make you moan, come inside you?”

“Do you actually want all that?” Five said.

“Yes,” Diego said, not hiding how his voice broke. “Sweetheart, _please_.”

Five smiled at the endearment, overwhelmed as he drew his fingers out of himself. “Then that’s what you’ll get,” he said. He spread his legs. “Take what you want.”

Diego groaned. “You look like something out of porn,” he told Five, “like the good porn, where it’s not— where they aren’t exploiting anyone, the expensive shit.” He reached for the lube and slicked up his dick, guiding it to Five’s entrance. “The kind where you can look at the same page and jerk off to it every night.”

“Good to know that I measure up to— _Diego_ ,” Five said, convulsing around him as he pushed in. “Fuck, you’re—”

Diego paused. “Too much?”

“Keep going,” Five said, an audible hitch in his voice. “It’s— a lot—”

Diego smiled in spite of himself. “Most people aren’t this big.”

“You’re such a tool,” Five said, swatting him. He hooked a leg around Diego, trying to draw him in closer. “You think I can’t handle anything big?”

“I think you handle it perfect,” Diego said, voice low. He pushed all the way in. “Christ, sweetheart, I can feel you around me— so tight, just like I thought you’d be.” He leaned over him, bracing his hands on the mattress and beginning to fuck him, thrusts smooth and intentional. “How’s it feel?”

Five moaned. “Want— more,” he said, hips undulating to meet Diego’s. “Don’t— don’t take it easy on me, I want it, want you to make me come—”

“Right now?” Diego said.

Five opened his eyes, gaze bright. “Not _now_ now, you know what I mean,” he said, hooking his other leg around Diego. “All I’m saying is I don’t want you to tease, I don’t want you to— _ah_!”

“Did I hit it?” Diego murmured. He thrust again. “Yeah, baby, that’s it.”

“Keep going, don’t stop to congratulate yourself,” Five said, but his voice came out in a high whine. He grabbed Diego, hauling him in. “Use me, fuck me, I’m not— going to beg anymore, don’t make me—”

Diego bent and kissed him, messy and fervent, as he began to fuck him in earnest. It was easy to lose track of time. Five looked gorgeous and debauched, sweat shining at his hairline, eyes closed in a truly breathtaking display of pleasure, and Diego didn’t know or care how long it took before Five gasped out. “‘M close,” he said, looking up at Diego with wild eyes. “You c’n— your hand, your hand—”

“I got you, honey,” Diego said, bringing his hand down to wrap around Five’s cock. He rubbed his thumb through the precome at the tip, knocking a hitched whimper out of Five, and then he brought his palm up to lick it before returning, jerking Five off in fast, confident pumps. “There we go,” he said. “Come on, pretty babe, sweetheart— come for me—”

Five shouted. His whole body clenched tight, spasming as he came in pulses over Diego’s wrist, riding out every wave of his orgasm before he sank back down. Diego could feel the tension ebbing from him, even as his own cock twitched inside Five.

There was a moment, quiet and reverent, where all Diego could hear was their breathing.

Five opened his eyes. He looked like he’d been raptured. “What?” he said, voice slurring a little. “I told you, you can come.”

Diego gave a hoarse laugh. “As if I was going to miss that,” he said. “ _Fuck_ , Five.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Five said. He arched his hips up, regaining a little of his wicked smirk. “Didn’t you have something you wanted, though? Weren’t you going to— come in me?”

“You’re gonna be the death of me,” Diego said breathily. He planted both hands on the mattress, beginning to thrust again as he looked down at Five, his whole gorgeous body laid out under Diego, opened like a book— he was soft and tight and tense and slack and contained every multitude Diego could have wanted, every facet of his mind and body filling a desire Diego never even knew he had. Five was looking at him, eyes half-lidded, dark and inviting, lips parted, and it didn’t take long before Diego’s body shook, hips stuttering, his whole spine curving as he released inside him, crying out.

“It must be a relief,” Diego murmured.

It turned out Five’s new body was the perfect size to spoon. Diego’s arm rested protectively over him, his front nestled snugly against Five’s bare back, and the whole room felt warm and languid. Even the hiss of the boiler felt domestic.

Five rolled over in Diego’s arms, looking up at Diego. “Yes,” he said.

“That’s it?” Diego said.

“There’s too much to sum up in a pithy sound bite,” Five said. He tangled his legs in Diego’s. “And I don’t particularly want to rehash it now that I’m feeling so comfortable. But it’s good.” He looked down at himself. “I suppose I should rather be sixty, but…”

“You deserve the chance to be young and hot,” Diego said.

“Exactly,” Five said. He raised one eyebrow. “But you wouldn’t be attracted to me at sixty?”

“I could adjust,” Diego said, backpedaling. “If you had the whole silver fox thing going on.” He grinned. “I could play the part of your hot boytoy who’s way too young for you.”

“And we’re not going down that train of thought anymore,” Five said. He poked Diego. “Don’t make me feel like a creep.”

“You’re not a creep,” Diego said. He poked Five back. “I’m glad you’re feeling like yourself again.”

“Yes,” Five said dryly, “I gathered that from the way you were fucking me.”

Diego kissed Five’s shoulder, and Five melted. Diego smiled. It was astonishing how the slightest affection could dissolve Five’s careful walls.

“This must raise the bar for your whole life, hm?” he murmured. “If you’re an adult now, and the apocalypse is averted… the world’s your oyster.”

Five looked up at him. “I suppose it does,” he said. He slipped his hand up, pressing it to Diego’s bare chest. “What do you think I should do?”

“I think you should have a lot more sex with a person who cares about you like crazy,” Diego said.

“That’s a good idea,” Five said. He slid his hand over to play with Diego’s nipple ring. “Perhaps I should even sleep over in his boiler room some night.”

Diego caught Five’s hand in his. “He might even make you breakfast the next morning.”

“It’s a shame he doesn’t own a coffee pot,” Five said.

“You might be able to talk him into taking you out for some,” Diego said.

“Well, that’s just unrealistic,” Five said. “Whatever man you’re talking about is too good to be true.”

Diego smiled. He pressed a kiss to Five’s forehead, nuzzling his face. “I think you deserve him,” he said. “And I think he might deserve you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> [electra-xt](https://electra-xt.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr, taking prompts, come talk to me about TUA!


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